Here it is. Somewhere in the middle of life, I let go of some really BIG, important parts of me. And other moms say, yes! me too: my hair, my wardrobe, my fitness, my sex life. . .Yeah, I hear you! But, I am not talking about the ME parts of me. I'm talking about the GOD part of me. Not that I turned my back on being a Christian or stopped believing in Him or started stealing and murdering, but I was breaking one of the 10 Commandments. Repeatedly.
"Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. You have six days each week for your ordinary work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. . ." - Exodus 20:8-10
Boom. My. Big. Christian. Fail.
Gone were the days when I trusted in God, spent time with God, went to church to worship Him, or spent time in the company of other Christians. I gave excuses to myself like there are just no good churches where I live. I am too busy - I work and have two little kids! Truth? They were really lame excuses. The truth was that I was being lazy and very selfish. And, for the last 2 years, I haven't had a job. And my kids aren't little anymore. And if I would have searched harder, I would have found a good church where I live. Because I did. Two Sundays ago. I found a church that is really "me." Truth is that I have ROBBED my children of great experiences and knowledge and friends. I have robbed them of time with God. That is a devastating realization.
As a child, I spent every Sunday morning and many Sunday evenings in church. I learned all the books of the Bible and all the important stories of Job and Moses and Daniel and Jesus. I went to Sunday School and VBS and youth group and grew up to be a Sunday School teacher and Life Group Leader. My parents did it right: they gave me a deep, strong foundation of faith. They showed me sacrifice and generosity and hospitality through their own involvement in church. And I have failed to do that for my kids. How sad!
Recently, I found myself stuck in the middle muck of life, feeling DESPERATE, alone, and sad. I had no idea what to do with myself. I am 36, my two children are both school-aged. I have a BA in literature, 3 years of high school teaching experience, many years of administrative office experience, and have started an interior design business....which has proven so far to be a non-profit business. But we need a profit. We really, REALLY need some profit. And, after searching for months, I haven't been able to find a job that fit our family or our financial needs. So, there I was at home, alone for hours a day, searching for a job, and not getting any responses. Feeling like a FAILURE.
Then, I got a phone call from my MOM. The one who drug me to church every Sunday. And didn't let me watch Bewitched or let me listen to "secular" music. The one who drives me crazy with her Facebook posts because she clogs up my news feed with shared links about anything Christian or right-winged but uses auto-correct and doesn't proof-read her posts, and often sounds like a drunk republican Jesus-freak. That MOM, who is still very involved in her church and keeps so busy that calling me is actually kind of a rare event. So, that MOM called and listened to me blubber, and then she offered to pray with me, which I still, for some reason, find really awkward. But I agreed. And she prayed for me. And the next Sunday, I got up and went to church for the first time in a looooooooooooong time. And for the first time in a long time I felt better. I felt HOPEFUL.
Ever since, I have been setting aside time everyday for the GOD part of me. To get started, I picked up a devotional that MOM gave me, turned to the correct day, and read the related scripture verses. And kept reading. And the more I read, the more I realize how much I have missed the GOD part of me. The more I read, I realize that what happened to me, somewhere in the middle of life, was that I stopped trusting in God. And without that trust, I was lost.
Here's the thing. In the last 2 weeks, nothing about my circumstance has changed. We didn't win the lottery. I still have no paying clients, and I don't have a job, despite many applications. But I have FAITH and HOPE, and I am trying to BE and SHOW LOVE to my children and to anyone else I have contact with. And sometimes I fail, but that's OK because I am trusting God to show me the way. Right now I am just enjoying the time I have for the GOD part of me. And in a couple of weeks, I get to go see THAT MOM.
God Bless,
The One in the Middle
