Fighting to Find Peace

To be completely honest, I haven't been doing well emotionally for the past week.
On Good Friday I could barely function and spent most of the day in bed asleep.
The fun preparations I had planned to create a special atmosphere in my home for Easter were left
unfinished. Saturday, I was able to clean and do the minimum to meet my kids' expectations - filling
their baskets with candy and plastic eggs for them to hunt. 

But even on Sunday, despite the lovely service we watched online, I felt numb and disinterested in
creating a special day for my family. Of course, I didn't need to make the day special - God already
took care of that. Jesus is Risen no matter how I feel, but the joy of Easter eluded me.

At the beginning of the social distancing/quarantine/shelter at home, I was good. Although I was
disturbed and concerned by the spread of the virus and related deaths, I felt almost relieved for a
chance for life to slow down a bit. I had been so busy at work that our closing for a couple of weeks
seemed like a respite from the storm rather than the beginning of one. And for those two weeks I did
enjoy more time with my family and more time alone with God. I had time to clean and cook and just
be. I felt grateful for what we had rather than anxious about what we didn't.

But then 2 weeks became 4 and the world exploded with cases of the virus and thousands began dying.
I learned that I wouldn’t be able to work from home and my staff was furloughed.
And then I was furloughed too. 

In one month, (March 3rd to April 3) we went from 100,000 cases of the coronavirus to over 1 million.
And still, I thought I was handling it all pretty well. I'm not typically an anxious person - at least I
didn't think so. Meaning, in my head, I don't experience fearful thoughts or worry, and I place a lot
of emphasis on trusting God. Yet, I am being forced to accept that I am affected by anxiety whether or not my brain wants to admit it.

Betrayed by my body, I began experiencing some of the physical signs of anxiety, including chest pains and shortness of breath. This past week I felt claustrophobic and moody and unmotivated and frustrated. In my head, I desperately want to get things done in my house while I have the time, but my body felt sluggish and tired and weak. I felt overwhelmed by the uncertainty of things. When will my source of income return? Should I get another job? Will the unemployment check actually appear in my account?

Yesterday, I canceled an interview - is getting a paycheck worth putting myself and my family at risk when I don't desperately need it? Or is that just an excuse I used to avoid doing something that causes me anxiety? I readily admit that interviews cause me a ton of stress.

Once I named it, things started to change. Writing it down and admitting out loud that what I was feeling was anxiety and depression, I began to feel better. Once I recognized that I needed to lay it all at the feet of Jesus instead of hiding in my bed, I could get up and get on with life.

In my last post, 7 suggestions for surviving this storm - which I wrote not because I have all the answers, but because I was searching for ways to get through myself - my number one suggestion was "Focus on the Good." That suggestion didn't originate in my mind but from a scripture verse that always strikes my heart when I read it. Philippians 4:8 (NLT):

...Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Sounds good. Sounds peaceful. But honestly? It sounds really hard to find in our world. And I don't mean just because of the pandemic. Scrolling through Netflix or Hulu, I can't find much to watch that focuses on pure and lovely or excellent or worthy of praise. And we certainly aren't finding it in news reports about COVID-19. And, maybe binge watching all 6 seasons of an apocalyptic show filled with violence and strife didn't help with my increasing anxiety and depression...

But what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable can be found if we search for them and train our minds to look for things that are excellent. I find them in Jesus's words and in His sacrifice at the cross. I find them in God's creation. I find them in human acts of kindness.

But I often let myself get distracted. And as Ann Voskamp claims, "Get busy, get distracted, and you can forget God. Forget God, and you lose your mind and your peace. Forget God, and all you remember is anxiety. Anxiety can give you God-Alzheimer's. Forget the face of God, and you forget your own name is Beloved." (The Broken Way)

Right before the verse I mentioned above, Paul writes, "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then, you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7 NLT)

Prayer + Asking God + Gratitude + Focusing on the Good = Peace. When I rely on God and am thankful and remember I am his Beloved, that is when anxiety melts away and joy can seep into this stressed-out soul.

Amen

7 Steps to Surviving this Storm

Since the beginning of March, I've been recording the spread of this terrifying virus in my journal. Apparently, I only journal when life gets really rough. As I read a few pages written in my journal from almost 15 years ago, I noticed a trend. My penmanship only spells out stress and anger and loneliness during hard times.

When we first moved to MA from Florida, we knew no one. My husband worked from home, went to grad school at night, and I worked as a stay-at-home mom with two kids under 3. And we fought. A lot. In one entry I wrote,

"I am tired of fighting, tired of being cold, broke, and alone. And never being alone." 

Social distancing was our everyday life, because we had no family or friends or even a workplace or co-workers for company. I went for days without talking to another adult, besides Daniel. We bought an old house that had no dishwasher, no shower, and no clothes dryer; and it had a ton of stairs - 4 sets. Up the stairs for potty training, downstairs to do laundry, and up the stairs again, carrying the one-year-old, kicking me in protest to having his diaper changed. By leaving our modern home and supportive family in Florida, we created a life more difficult. Major adjustments had to be made, and we all acted out. It was all really stressful and depressing. But eventually, we found jobs, friends, and a great community church. That time was just one stormy season in our lives, just as this pandemic will only last for a season.  

This is hard. Americans are out of work (myself included), out of toilet paper, couped up at home, trying to teach their own kids, while constant access to stressful news about the virus streams in. Watching the death toll rise to almost 10,000 here in the U.S. in little over a month is devastating. We are experiencing trauma and grief and may not even realize it. 

When I think about the parents of little kids right now, stuck at home, perhaps with decreased income, no social outlet besides Facebook or Instagram, and only their spouses to depend on for face-to-face interaction, I am overwhelmed with empathy.

However, I know that we can do hard things, and we will get through this together. History has proven that we are a resilient race - we don't give up. Our parents and grandparents have weathered storms more severe, much more deadly, and with greater sacrifice. That knowledge may be of little comfort while we are battling to save our businesses, our finances, and our everyday way of life. But, it gives me hope to hold on to the fact that this is temporary. 

But how do we survive today, tomorrow, and perhaps the next few months?

Here are 7 realistic suggestions (that don't include washing your hands or wearing a mask) to keep our emotional and mental health steady and strong.

1. Focus on the Good. Read about the goodness of God - read a daily devotional, the Psalms, or prepare for Easter by reading the gospel of Luke. Focus on the goodness of humanity. Watch Some Good News with John Krasinski. Focus on the beauty of nature. Drive to the beach just to listen to the waves. Watch the sunset, or get up early to see it rise. 

2. Turn off the news and turn on some music. Avoid reading or watching the news first thing in the morning or before bed at night. We need to stay up-to-date, but allowing thoughts of doom and uncertainty to permeate our thoughts all day and into our sleep at night, is not in our best interest. Instead, listen to your favorite music. For me, music is so healing and instantly improves my mood. You can even get a workout in by dancing along. Some of my best memories from when my kids were little was having dance parties in our living room. Here is a list of songs that seem perfectly made for this time:

•  "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott
• "You're Gonna Be Okay" by Jenn Johnson
• "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Goake
• "Don't Give Up on Me" by Andy Grammer
• "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars

And here are few that are fun to dance to or sing at the top of your lungs on a drive (from reggae to Disney, selected with appropriateness for kids in mind)

• "Be My Baby" by The Ronettes
• "Can't Stop the Feeling" by Justin Timberlake
• "Dancing Queen" Abba
• "Happy" by Pharrell Williams
• "Shake it Off" Taylor Swift
• "Better When I'm Dancin" Meghan Trainor
• "One Love" Bob Marley
• "Bye Bye Bye" NSYNC
• "Stronger" Kelly Clarkson
• "Living on a Prayer" Bon Jovi
• "Party in the USA" Miley Cyrus
• "Let it Go"

3. Don't stress about schoolwork. One of the greatest challenges facing many parents right now is having to homeschool their kids. Please hear me. Don't let your relationship with your child become damaged from fighting over learning. Encourage them to complete the assignments given, offer help when needed, but phone a friend or email the child's teacher if they (or you) are struggling. Take a deep breath and stay calm.

The most important lessons that kids can learn right now are: how to adapt to change, keep kindness in the midst of chaos, keep hope in times of darkness, and to love one another well. 

So don't worry about teaching them Algebra or Chemistry or if they fall behind in their reading. They are learning a whole different subject; they are learning survival skills. So, set a good example. Give them extra hugs, speak calmly and kindly, and take advantage of fun learning opportunities you wouldn't normally have while they are at school and you are at work. Bake with them. Make them help you with yard work. Teach them to sew or knit or anything else that interests them. Here are a few great resources that many homeschool parents use:

• Outschool.com - a huge assortment of online classes your child can take - from raising chickens 101 to how to write a 5 paragraph essay. There are costs associated with taking classes.
• Khan Academy - a non-profit and free resource for parents and teachers.
• National Geographic - that old yellow magazine that your grandfather always read is now an amazing online resource of learning

4.  Seek out ways to help. Use your gifts for doing good. Sew some masks. This tutorial is shorter with no talking if you are a visual learner. You can find a variety of methods online - even on news outlets. If you don't sew, see how you can help your local food pantry keep feeding the people. Need soap? Preemptive Love Coalition, an amazing organization, living out love in Iraq, sells soap and other products made by refugees. And, they are trying to meet the great need of feeding those in quarantine.

5. Engage your mind. Tap into your creativity. Learn a new skill or a new language. Have you heard of Master Class? For $180 you can access all classes. From Neil Gaiman to Bobby Brown to Timbaland, you can learn from the best in a variety of industries or artistic genres.

Even if you aren't crafty and have never been especially interested in art, pick up a paintbrush and see where it takes you. Write down your story, or make up a silly one to read to your kids. Even if you don't have a literary bone in your body, journaling your feelings or prayers during this time is a great way to unburden your mind.

6. Schedule a weekly spa day (or at least an hour). Make an appointment for self-care. Put on a movie for the kids, or put your spouse or oldest child in charge. Make them understand you are not to be disturbed. Take a relaxing bath, slather on a face mask, and give yourself a mani/pedi. Need a root touch-up or want to change your look? Here's a safe DIY option that I've used in a pinch: Madison Reed. I've also heard good things about Overtone.

7. Create a schedule. Close the kitchen. Is the absence of structure driving you crazy? Forgetting what day it is? Kids in the kitchen 24/7? Make a schedule and don't feel guilty about it. Specify times when the kitchen is open for meals and snacks and when it is closed for your sanity. Having a hard time keeping track of how long they have been staring at screens? Make a schedule - and stick to it! They are used to schedules. (They will say they hate it, but they actually crave consistency). The school day is broken up into chunks of time, and there is no reason that you can't implement something similar at home. Following a schedule helps develop self-discipline and will help keep you sane. That being said, having some flexibility is fine too.

I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful. More than anything, do what's right for you and your family. There is no judge or jury. No best ways to survive a pandemic (other than social distancing and washing your hands.) If you want to "unschool" your kids during this stressful time, go for it. If you have a glass of wine every night...who cares.. Know that you are not alone and this WILL be over eventually. And if you need to chat or someone to pray for you, I am here.

With Love,
Ashley