Disclaimer: I am sure I will say the wrong thing. It is a justifiable fear - because I usually do (I come from a long line of footinmouthers) and because I am largely ignorant on the subject of racism. So, I apologize if I offend you. Then again, maybe we all need to be more open to being offended with open ears....But please call me out if I say something out of ignorance or arrogance.
My initial reaction to the murder of George Floyd was anger. As for many, that video was the last straw, coming so soon on the heels of the murder of Ahmaud Arbery. And it broke me. Completely. For a week I walked around in a fog, wearing my grief with splashes of anger and sadness, erupting at any moment. I couldn't focus on schoolwork, housework, my kids...pretty much anything else. I wandered around utterly useless with the realization of my ignorance about the state of racism in our country.
I read articles, blog posts, and bought books. I texted with my best friend, called my sister who is married to a black man, trying to process all the emotion and information. I reached out to a co-worker with whom I have always felt comfortable discussing race. He was gracious. He said, "It's not your fault, Ashley." But I'm not convinced.
I watched movies and documentaries about racism, researched the Black Lives Matter organization. I wrote blog posts in my head about what I wanted the world to know. And rewrote them. And then finally, actually started writing this.
I sat in a parking lot and cried after driving by a beautiful, peaceful protest organized by the children in my town. The CHILDREN, not the town leaders, not our spiritual leaders, but our brilliant teens, who have had enough and are determined to do something.
And I have realized this: I am ignorant, and I am complicit. I am guilty of not caring enough about those different from me to educate myself about their current experience. See, I am educated about slavery and reconstruction, and the Civil Rights era in America (as most of us are). But, I honestly had no idea about the continued and deliberate oppression of people of color in our country. My white privilege allows me the freedom from that knowledge.
Confession:
I confess to my racism. I am not the antagonistic, attacking, or belittling type of racist, but I am guilty nonetheless. I admit to having prejudicial thoughts and reactions. Driving in Florida through "bad" neighborhoods and locking my car door after seeing a black man nearby? Yes. As an adolescent rejecting a boy of another race/ethnicity because of what my parents might think? Yes. Laughed at or made a racist, stereotypical joke? Yes.
I am sorry for my conscious and unconscious racism and prejudice. I am repentant for the unconscious ignorance of my youth and the conscious and continued ignorance as an adult.
And I confess to my privilege, which has allowed me to live in ignorance.
MY Privilege Profile:
- Race: Inside and out - I am white. Gleaming bright, southern white from the safe suburbs with nice yards and almost zero black neighbors.
- Ethnicity: Mostly Italian flavored, because my Mamaw was first-generation and her love was generous and her love language was literally food for the soul, so we simmered in her culture, trying to spice up our American ordinary. On the other side of the family, there is quite a complicated mix of white southern planted with European roots.
- Socioeconomic Status: Solidly Middle Class (which allowed me to access to an education, to own my own property at 18, to easily finance a car, etc)
- Birthplace & Nationality: Florida, USA (Currently residing in MA, USA)
- Religion: Non-Denominational Christian, founded in the Charismatic variety (for those unfamiliar with this term - the anoint your head with oil, slay you in the spirit, hanky-waving, tongue-speaking kind of Jesus Freaks; similar to Pentecostal)
- Sexuality & Gender Identity: Heterosexual, Cisgender (born female and identify as female)
- Political Affiliation: Registered Independent
I share that info to show you my privilege and because many of us judge one another on the above criteria. For most of us, our place in those boxes form our identity and thought patterns and decisions, and we rarely listen with ears wide open to those from different boxes.
For some, the categories listed are ALL that is seen or understood about them, regardless of who they really are on the inside. And for many, that first category could equal a death sentence.
I have been given extraordinary privilege. I realize my life has been easier because of the neighborhood where I grew up, the color of my skin, my sexual orientation and even my religion. I have not experienced oppression by another race, the trauma that poverty can inflict, or harassment due to my sexual/gender identity.
And I am guilty. I am guilty for taking it all for granted and not accurately seeing the reality of those who check the "Black" box next to race.
If you are struggling to understand or sympathize with the chaos and violence filling our screens for the past couple of weeks, please examine your own privilege profile. Picture yourself in the shoes of a black parent who has to educate their son or daughter about interacting with the police. Make sure your hands can be seen at all times. Don't argue. Just do what they say. No matter if you've done anything wrong, comply. Don't ruffle their feathers of superiority. Don't expect justice to be yours my precious child, who is made in the image of God because of the melanin in your skin I passed down to you.
Now picture your own child under the knee of an officer, begging for you.
Begging to breathe. For over 8 minutes.
Now multiply that anguish by 400 years.
When I was younger, I did not understand my own ignorance. I did not understand that saying "I don't see color" or self-righteously, "my children will be colorblind" (yes I actually said that) was just plain ignorant.
And let me be clear about this: NO WE CANNOT be colorblind. Not only is this an idealistic and dismissive attitude, it is impossible and inadvisable. Because to say I'm colorblind is to say I don't see you as you are. I don't see your pain. I don't acknowledge that you have suffered because of your race. To say I'm colorblind is to say there is no difference in our experience.
The truth is we all see color (even if you are technically colorblind, because you are missing those little color rods in your eyeballs). We have been raised in a society that sees color by parents and grandparents who were forced to see color by the very laws of the state and in a country that has for centuries defined people of color as less than human.
