7 Steps to Surviving this Storm

Since the beginning of March, I've been recording the spread of this terrifying virus in my journal. Apparently, I only journal when life gets really rough. As I read a few pages written in my journal from almost 15 years ago, I noticed a trend. My penmanship only spells out stress and anger and loneliness during hard times.

When we first moved to MA from Florida, we knew no one. My husband worked from home, went to grad school at night, and I worked as a stay-at-home mom with two kids under 3. And we fought. A lot. In one entry I wrote,

"I am tired of fighting, tired of being cold, broke, and alone. And never being alone." 

Social distancing was our everyday life, because we had no family or friends or even a workplace or co-workers for company. I went for days without talking to another adult, besides Daniel. We bought an old house that had no dishwasher, no shower, and no clothes dryer; and it had a ton of stairs - 4 sets. Up the stairs for potty training, downstairs to do laundry, and up the stairs again, carrying the one-year-old, kicking me in protest to having his diaper changed. By leaving our modern home and supportive family in Florida, we created a life more difficult. Major adjustments had to be made, and we all acted out. It was all really stressful and depressing. But eventually, we found jobs, friends, and a great community church. That time was just one stormy season in our lives, just as this pandemic will only last for a season.  

This is hard. Americans are out of work (myself included), out of toilet paper, couped up at home, trying to teach their own kids, while constant access to stressful news about the virus streams in. Watching the death toll rise to almost 10,000 here in the U.S. in little over a month is devastating. We are experiencing trauma and grief and may not even realize it. 

When I think about the parents of little kids right now, stuck at home, perhaps with decreased income, no social outlet besides Facebook or Instagram, and only their spouses to depend on for face-to-face interaction, I am overwhelmed with empathy.

However, I know that we can do hard things, and we will get through this together. History has proven that we are a resilient race - we don't give up. Our parents and grandparents have weathered storms more severe, much more deadly, and with greater sacrifice. That knowledge may be of little comfort while we are battling to save our businesses, our finances, and our everyday way of life. But, it gives me hope to hold on to the fact that this is temporary. 

But how do we survive today, tomorrow, and perhaps the next few months?

Here are 7 realistic suggestions (that don't include washing your hands or wearing a mask) to keep our emotional and mental health steady and strong.

1. Focus on the Good. Read about the goodness of God - read a daily devotional, the Psalms, or prepare for Easter by reading the gospel of Luke. Focus on the goodness of humanity. Watch Some Good News with John Krasinski. Focus on the beauty of nature. Drive to the beach just to listen to the waves. Watch the sunset, or get up early to see it rise. 

2. Turn off the news and turn on some music. Avoid reading or watching the news first thing in the morning or before bed at night. We need to stay up-to-date, but allowing thoughts of doom and uncertainty to permeate our thoughts all day and into our sleep at night, is not in our best interest. Instead, listen to your favorite music. For me, music is so healing and instantly improves my mood. You can even get a workout in by dancing along. Some of my best memories from when my kids were little was having dance parties in our living room. Here is a list of songs that seem perfectly made for this time:

•  "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott
• "You're Gonna Be Okay" by Jenn Johnson
• "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Danny Goake
• "Don't Give Up on Me" by Andy Grammer
• "Count on Me" by Bruno Mars

And here are few that are fun to dance to or sing at the top of your lungs on a drive (from reggae to Disney, selected with appropriateness for kids in mind)

• "Be My Baby" by The Ronettes
• "Can't Stop the Feeling" by Justin Timberlake
• "Dancing Queen" Abba
• "Happy" by Pharrell Williams
• "Shake it Off" Taylor Swift
• "Better When I'm Dancin" Meghan Trainor
• "One Love" Bob Marley
• "Bye Bye Bye" NSYNC
• "Stronger" Kelly Clarkson
• "Living on a Prayer" Bon Jovi
• "Party in the USA" Miley Cyrus
• "Let it Go"

3. Don't stress about schoolwork. One of the greatest challenges facing many parents right now is having to homeschool their kids. Please hear me. Don't let your relationship with your child become damaged from fighting over learning. Encourage them to complete the assignments given, offer help when needed, but phone a friend or email the child's teacher if they (or you) are struggling. Take a deep breath and stay calm.

The most important lessons that kids can learn right now are: how to adapt to change, keep kindness in the midst of chaos, keep hope in times of darkness, and to love one another well. 

So don't worry about teaching them Algebra or Chemistry or if they fall behind in their reading. They are learning a whole different subject; they are learning survival skills. So, set a good example. Give them extra hugs, speak calmly and kindly, and take advantage of fun learning opportunities you wouldn't normally have while they are at school and you are at work. Bake with them. Make them help you with yard work. Teach them to sew or knit or anything else that interests them. Here are a few great resources that many homeschool parents use:

• Outschool.com - a huge assortment of online classes your child can take - from raising chickens 101 to how to write a 5 paragraph essay. There are costs associated with taking classes.
• Khan Academy - a non-profit and free resource for parents and teachers.
• National Geographic - that old yellow magazine that your grandfather always read is now an amazing online resource of learning

4.  Seek out ways to help. Use your gifts for doing good. Sew some masks. This tutorial is shorter with no talking if you are a visual learner. You can find a variety of methods online - even on news outlets. If you don't sew, see how you can help your local food pantry keep feeding the people. Need soap? Preemptive Love Coalition, an amazing organization, living out love in Iraq, sells soap and other products made by refugees. And, they are trying to meet the great need of feeding those in quarantine.

5. Engage your mind. Tap into your creativity. Learn a new skill or a new language. Have you heard of Master Class? For $180 you can access all classes. From Neil Gaiman to Bobby Brown to Timbaland, you can learn from the best in a variety of industries or artistic genres.

Even if you aren't crafty and have never been especially interested in art, pick up a paintbrush and see where it takes you. Write down your story, or make up a silly one to read to your kids. Even if you don't have a literary bone in your body, journaling your feelings or prayers during this time is a great way to unburden your mind.

6. Schedule a weekly spa day (or at least an hour). Make an appointment for self-care. Put on a movie for the kids, or put your spouse or oldest child in charge. Make them understand you are not to be disturbed. Take a relaxing bath, slather on a face mask, and give yourself a mani/pedi. Need a root touch-up or want to change your look? Here's a safe DIY option that I've used in a pinch: Madison Reed. I've also heard good things about Overtone.

7. Create a schedule. Close the kitchen. Is the absence of structure driving you crazy? Forgetting what day it is? Kids in the kitchen 24/7? Make a schedule and don't feel guilty about it. Specify times when the kitchen is open for meals and snacks and when it is closed for your sanity. Having a hard time keeping track of how long they have been staring at screens? Make a schedule - and stick to it! They are used to schedules. (They will say they hate it, but they actually crave consistency). The school day is broken up into chunks of time, and there is no reason that you can't implement something similar at home. Following a schedule helps develop self-discipline and will help keep you sane. That being said, having some flexibility is fine too.

I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful. More than anything, do what's right for you and your family. There is no judge or jury. No best ways to survive a pandemic (other than social distancing and washing your hands.) If you want to "unschool" your kids during this stressful time, go for it. If you have a glass of wine every night...who cares.. Know that you are not alone and this WILL be over eventually. And if you need to chat or someone to pray for you, I am here.

With Love,
Ashley

Deconstructing the Doofus Dad: A Dedication and Determination

This post is dedicated to my babies' daddy, aka my husband, Daniel.

The Doofus Dad.

You know this guy, right? The one who can't find his car keys or the Dunkin coffee or cook or clean or diaper children properly? The man who's wife is always giving him that "you're a moron" look as if he never does anything correctly?

Over the years, I bet you've seen a bunch of men like this. I know I have. . . on TELEVISION. But not so much in the real world.

A few years ago, my husband started making fun of these Doofus Dad commercials, and I started noticing a-not-so-nice trend. In way too many commercials and on family sit coms, the men are portrayed as idiots who are out of touch or just plain incompetent.  I know they bother Daniel. And the commercials really started bothering me too. And they should.

The Doofus Dad, who emerged on screens across America about 20 something years ago, can't be trusted to do anything right. Even in his own domain - the tool box - Tim Taylor (Tim Allen) just couldn't ever get the job done without making a mess of things. And Homer in the picture above? Lord help us all if Homer Simpson was ever in charge of actual real live children. Then, there's Al Bundy and Roseann's Dan, who seemed to forever be glued to their couch or chair. I know all TV dads can't be the Pa that Charles Ingalls was to Laura and Mary, but where did all the real good men (TV characters) go?

I know the cause, and I understand that it's mostly just about comedy. So, I'm not going to get into debating the nuances of sexist stereotypes and what women's liberation has done to the role and image of men in society. This is NOT that kind of post, and I DO NOT want to start that conversation.

My point is that this doofus dad image just doesn't ring true in real life. Not in my personal experience anyway. And, I do absolutely believe the media should have a certain level of responsibility to reflect and men and women more accurately and positively. The absolute truth is that both men and women are multi-faceted, multi-talented, different but equal HUMANS.

 And we are not all DIFFERENT in the SAME ways.

Based on the two fathers with whom I have the most experience - my own father and my children's father - the incompetent man, or doofus dad, persona doesn't apply at all. My dad, Bob, had a successful career, was (and still is) a great father to four girls, and he is pretty good at domestic duties as well. Even though he enjoys fishing and watching football and a cold beer after mowing the grass, he is also a great cook, who even cleans up the kitchen. My Bob Dad is a good listener, a good planner, a good Christian, a loving grandfather, and most importantly, he's a nice human. Yes, he has his flaws. He has "doofus" moments. He makes corny jokes. Sometimes he says the wrong thing or wrong word at the very wrong moment. Like that time he said orgasm instead of organism while talking to our pastor... 

Look, Bob Dad can even carry gifts and smile at the same time!

But I would never describe my father as incompetent or lazy like the guys in commercials. One summer he even took up the straps of my swimsuit for camp, because I had this funky short-waisted body that no swimsuit we could find would fit and my mom was out of town. So, he did what needed to be done and sewed. And he didn't screw it up either. Perhaps my father sets the standard pretty high, but isn't that what we should be selling? 

Then, there is Daniel, my husband and the father of my children. He might just be the most competent man (or woman) I have ever known. No, I'm not just saying that because he might read this. And believe me, I am not blind to his faults either. But honestly, he is incredibly resourceful and reliable. If he doesn't already know how to do something, he keeps researching until he learns how to do it. Whether it's a car problem or how to repair an old wooden door, he will figure it out. He thinks his constant researching drives me crazy, and maybe sometimes it does, but mostly I LOVE it.

I love that I can trust his opinion. I love that he is highly educated and widely read. I love that he loves the X Men movies and superheros, but one of his favorite movies is The English Patient. I love that he loves to travel and likes going to the theater and art museums, can quote Shakespeare, and always picks out the BEST books for me to read. But, he is also super analytical and technically savvy and can run electrical work and do plumbing and create pretty much whatever he sets his mind to in his workshop. I love that he is a manly, complex man. Far from the fumbling dad in the sit coms, his DIY projects always turn out, eventually, and they are done the right way, according to code and his own high standards.

When we both worked full-time  jobs, and I was pregnant, Daniel made dinner every night. When our daughter was an infant and inconsolable, it was his super swaddling techniques and embrace that calmed her. When he was in graduate school and was in-between jobs, he stayed home with the kids, looked for employment, and wrote for his classes, while also doing the laundry and cooking and other household duties. . .I could go on about his amazing work-ethic and self-discipline and muscular thighs, but you are probably getting nauseous already.

My point is not that he is perfect. He isn't. He doesn't always say the sweet, sentimental things that I want to hear, and he is pretty sensitive to criticism and very defiant. After all, he is just a man. But he is a great person. A great husband and father.  He is the man that I chose. I fell in love with his writing and stayed for his chocolate cake, and the rest is just icing.

Daniel and our son, Gabriel. 

Here is my point: Our men - husbands and fathers - bring a lot to the table. They may not parent the way we do or the way we want them to. They may not clean as well as women do. They have their issues. (Don't we ALL?) But they aren't all dumb, inept monkeys. What they give and the different methods in which they do their thing are IMPORTANT. And they should be appreciated and respected and cherished and not made into flat, doofus characters.

Maybe I just got really lucky with the men in my life. But most of the fathers I see, are smart, involved dads, who work hard at their jobs and spend time with their kids. They show up. They do the hard stuff. And, if we want the next generation to appreciate men and have high expectations for them, we should probably change the conversation they hear.

Thankfully, I think that advertisers have wizened up due to a few good men who stood up and said we've had enough. Watching the commercials during the Super Bowl this year, I noticed a complete departure from the funny beer commercials and doofus dad ads. But, I think in our own personal lives, we need to change the way we talk about men. Give our husbands more credit and less grief. Let our children hear how much we admire and appreciate our men. Let our boys see examples of men they can aspire to be. Let our girls see men who are worthy of loving.

And now I'll shut up and leave you with these links that prove we can show that men know how to dad.

Answer the Call

How to Dad

In Love With My Man,

Ashley

Crazy Confessions of an Introverted Hibernator

If you're looking for a bit of inspiration or wisdom here, keep looking. This is not that kind of blog post. I just feel like I need to get something out in the open. I might be just a lot crazy. I may be the only person on the planet who feels this way. But here it is: 


I like BIG warm BEDS and I cannot lie. 

And I like big blankets. If there is one item that I would need to bring with me to a deserted island, it would be my big down comforter. Or water. It's a toss up.

It is the beginning of February, and in case you haven't heard, we just had an actual, official blizzard last week. Which is basically just like a frozen hurricane. There was a lot of wind and a lot of snow. We were blessed with 5 foot drifts in our backyard. Yay! Sledding. We had to shovel a lot but were very fortunate and very thankful that we never lost power and we had no damage to our home. Thank God. We had an experience, a little life-snow adventure. Yay us!

Another deep secret about me: I like storms. Snow storms, rain storms, thunder storms. Love them all. Well, as long as I get to stay home all warm and cozy in my big warm bed until they are over. And as long as the snow plows shut the BEEP BEEP BEEP up! I even like snow. Freshly fallen snow on a sunny day is a beautiful sight. As long as I don't have to drive in it, or shovel it, or walk in it....Oh. But sadly, I do.

There is literally tons of snow surrounding us. It is piled everywhere. You can't see around any street corner from the mountains of displaced snow that were plowed into heaps of the now dirty, packed white stuff. Roads that used to be two-lanes have pretty much become single lanes of terror. Backing  out of  our driveway is like playing Russian roulette. Is there a car coming? Hard to tell. Will I get hit? There is a goood chance, but 's really, what's my option here? Walk. But where did all the sidewalks go? Under the banks of snow.

Here's the thing about me and winter weather - it transforms me into a serial hibernator. My spirit animal really must be a bear. I just want to curl into the fetal position (but in my big, warm bed and not in a cave) and sleep until spring. Problem is I get really hungry in the winter. Like HUNGRY. And I have to get up to make something to eat. Occasionally, I even need to feed the CHILDREN. But I don't WANT TO. Nor do I want to go anywhere or do anything, especially NOT the LAUNDRY. Goodness. We could store meat in our basement....but then it would smell like dirty socks...

So, I am in the middle of winter: cold, hungry, and sleepy. So, for the love of all humanity, can't you see? Don't you understand that hibernation is imperative? That is, hibernation with hot coffee and warm baked goods....and my big comfy bed.

BUT then today happened. Today we had another foot or so of snow dropped on us. Which is fine. OK. Whatever. More snow. Just another day to hibernate, right? Children home from school. Husband home from work. Mom doing random household chores, trying to be alright with this home invasion on a Monday.

You see, me and Monday have a thing going. And typically, we get to do our thing [QUIET is our thing] ALONE on Mondays. And I love this thing we have - this blissful quiet that follows the weekend of noises. But my children just don't get this. And now, it's 7:30 pm, and they ARE STILL TALKING TO ME. After talking to me and their dad and each other and their friends over the XBOX. All. Freaking. Day. Long.

And NOW. The superintendent of schools has the nerve to call and say there is NO SCHOOL tomorrow.  He dares to CANCEL school on Tuesday too. That's 4 days straight with my people all talking to me! And now I don't want to hibernate anymore. I want to throw my children to the wolves of the public school system and go out into the world and see amazing things like art and other adult people.

And at this very moment, I want my children in bed. I want hot shower, a tall White Russian, and some Downton Abbey. Alone. Yes. That might just be the thing that will retract my claws.

And maybe tomorrow this mama bear will not want to eat her young every time they speak to her of Minecraft and Kindles and Instagram. Maybe she will feed them and cuddle them and play games with them....maybe.

Good night, fellow hibernators. And good luck.

Ashley

On Criticism and Love

Forgive me for trying to tell you what to do. But please, please STOP IT!

Please, for the LOVE of God and all that is holy and/or human. Stop spewing hateful criticism under any disguise of being righteous or informed or "helpful."

Lately, I have wondered, mouth-wide-open, at the audacity of comments people make when they disagree with a point of view, a parenting style, politics, a method of faith-following, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I criticize. I am a HUGE commercial critic. Seriously, companies should hire me before letting any ad go on air. I could save them millions in bad ad campaigns. I can spot the good ones from the terrible in about 5.2 seconds. Just ask my husband - he gets to hear all my constructive criticism. And fashion. PLEASE. Don't get me started on the trends that should never have been. I mean, really, this T-shirt and jeans wearing SAHM has got the runway beat. I'm collecting pieces for my Shabby Chick line right now. Cause ain't nobody got money fo dat $170 blouse. Pilled-up 5-year-old sweatshirts like I am wearing right now are so much more GREEN anyhow.

Truthfully, I have been known to spread Toxic Tongue Disease from time to time. And I am completely preaching to the choir here. But I am really trying hard to watch my words and throw harsh criticism where it belongs. Because whoever came up with the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" was full of it. I'm calling BS. The truth is, wounds from sticks and stones usually heal up pretty quickly. But words can slice a path through the your heart so deep that the scar will last forever.

So please. STOP DESTRUCTIVELY CRITICIZING OTHERS. I have this sign hanging on my refrigerator to remind my children and myself to consider our words carefully.

If what we have to say doesn't fall into one of those categories, it probably isn't worth saying. And sometimes, it just isn't the right time or place for what we have to say, even if we are trying to be helpful. Before giving what you believe to be constructive advice, consider the following: your intention, your audience, your tone, and the mood of the person receiving the advice. Sometimes SILENCE IS GOLDEN. 

If you aren't sure what to say: SILENCE IS GOLDEN

If you can't say it nicely: SILENCE IS GOLDEN

If it's none of your business: SILENCE IS GOLDEN

Intention is everything. And love should guide our intentions. And LOVE IS "patient and KIND. Love is NOT jealous or boastful or proud or RUDE. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out." (I Corinthians 13:4-6)

One more thing. I've learned through teaching and parenting that encouragement is key. We respond to encouragement 10000% better than we respond to criticism. (That's a very unscientific fact). I have failed to realize this in the past. Criticism makes us defensive, guarded, and cranky. And the critics are everywhere. But, encouragement makes us want to try even harder. It puts a positive spark in our hearts. It gives us the courage and motivation to do hard things. 

Personally, I want to be remembered as an encourager. If I don't accomplish anything else in life than giving encouragement to those who need it, I will be OK with that. 

In Love,

Ashley

In the Middle

IN.THE. MIDDLE. Since birth, that's been my territory. Because, when you are 4 years younger than your older sister, and 4 years older than your younger sister, you are EXACTLY in the middle. Just like the Green Kangaroo.


From left: Our mom, Shayna (my younger sister), Me (in the middle), Kelsey (my niece by my eldest sister - not pictured), and Andrea (my older sister.) 

There is a lot of talk out there about middle children, apparently, we have a SYNDROME. Katrin Schumann, author of "The Secret Power of Middle Children," wrote:

"They are considered to be neglected, resentful, have no drive, have a negative outlook, feel like they don’t belong—in other words, they suffer from “Middle Child Syndrome.” A Stanford University study showed that middles are considered the most envious, least bold and least talkative of all the birth orders."

Umm...OK, but...I don't feel neglected or resentful! And, I usually have an unrealistically optimistic outlook - which has it's own issues. But, it is probably true that I have more dream than drive in me. I have definitely felt like I don't belong - especially since moving away from my family. "Least bold and least talkative," maybe. But, in my Italian-hybrid family, that's not saying I'm quiet (my husband says I am loud - but is he a reliable source?).

But guess what? Schumann goes on to debunk many of the stereotypes about middles. In fact, she points out that America has had a lot of incredible middle children (including 52% of our U.S. Presidents!) who have profound drive and determination.

"For, as we discovered during our research, the stereotype does not correspond to reality. Far from being doomed to failure and loneliness, middle children are more likely than their siblings to be successful and enjoy strong social lives and flourishing careers. . .The apparent disadvantages they endure in childhood turn out to be beneficial, in many cases giving them the attributes of empathy, independence, articulacy and creativity. Many of our biggest celebrities, such as the film star Julia Roberts, are ‘middles’." - from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2079636/Middle-children-MORE-successful-So-true-family.html

Ha! I always thought Julia and I had a connection!

So here's the truth about my life in the middle: As a kid, I was the cliche - the wallflower and bookworm, the "quiet-er" one. I also tried to be the peacemaker, often finding myself in the middle of some sort of argument, which didn't usually begin with me. Sometimes I did feel invisible though, like if I disappeared, no one would notice. But truth is, they usually did. They would fish me out of my bedroom or from behind whatever book into which I had disappeared and get me to join in the family fun (or feud, depending on the day). 

My sisters were literally the ones in the spotlight - they were performers - they cheer-led and acted and sang and danced in show choir; while I drew or read in my bedroom.

From left, Shayna, Andrea, and I in 2013 - Even my hair color and skin tone are in the middle!

Andrea and I in Ybor City 2012?

But the thing is, I am exactly where I want to be. I actually LOVE my special spot in the middle. Because that place, where God decided to drop me, between the two of my WARRIOR sisters, has made me, ME - with all my flaws and scratches and dents and syndromes.  

On one side is my older sister: She is beautiful and crazy talented and sometimes just plain crazy, and I have had the advantage of watching this incredibly brave and head-strong sister be the pioneer. I watched as she FEARLESSLY got married, bought houses, had babies, and started businesses. Through the years, I really watched her, and I LEARNED from her experiences. From the mistakes she made and the things she did incredibly well. I learned from her about make-up and style and parenting and homemaking and being a good friend and serving your community and getting your heart broken and your dreams dashed and CARRYING ON and honoring your commitments anyway. She has fought battles that would make grown men cry. She has struggled and clawed her way through messy and painful and hard, and has stood tall, with swollen eyes and split lip, to see the sunrise. 

And THEN. There is my younger sister. The baby of four girls - our beautiful little princess of the land of Brat. By the time she got to adolescence, my parents were so tired, they took on the parenting style known as been there, done that, and don't care. They had been the SUPER strict parents, the fight-it-out-HUNT-YOU-DOWN-and-lock-you-in-your-room parents, the OVER protective parents, and they were ready to be we-will-leave-it-in-God's-hands parents.

Since birth, this girl has been CRAZY strong. An independent, strong-will mixed with brute strength. Strong enough to knock my mom's jaw out of place when she was 2, strong enough to make boys afraid of her catlike-fighting skills (seriously, claw marks covered the youth group). Strong enough to overcome the meanness of her two older sisters - like me calling her a brat. Strong enough to work through illness and pain. And, strong enough to overcome acute personal tragedy OVER and OVER and be brave enough to TAKE THE RISK AGAIN. Watching her grow up, I have been in awe many times by her independence, strength, beauty, and talents. She is fiercely loyal, generous, and an incredible friend. Now, she is a mom too, and I get to watch her navigate the amazing and difficult twists and turns of motherhood with that same beauty and strength.

These are my WARRIOR sisters, and I am happy to be stuck right IN THE MIDDLE of the them for the rest of my life. Because I know, that no matter what battle I may face, they will be there right beside me, fighting it out.

Being the middle child is not about sad and lonely. Being in the middle is a beautiful, rewarding, safe, and sure place to be. For me, being IN THE MIDDLE is not just a birth order thing, it's kind of become a life philosophy thing. But that's another blog post. . .

To read more about middle children, click here.

Love,

Me, Happy in the Middle

The GOD Part and That MOM

Here it is. Somewhere in the middle of life, I let go of some really BIG, important parts of me. And other moms say, yes! me too: my hair, my wardrobe, my fitness, my sex life. . .Yeah, I hear you! But, I am not talking about the ME parts of me. I'm talking about the GOD part of me. Not that I turned my back on being a Christian or stopped believing in Him or started stealing and murdering, but I was breaking one of the 10 Commandments. Repeatedly.

"Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. You have six days each week for your ordinary work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. . ." - Exodus 20:8-10

Boom. My. Big. Christian. Fail.

Gone were the days when I trusted in God, spent time with God, went to church to worship Him, or spent time in the company of other Christians. I gave excuses to myself like there are just no good churches where I live. I am too busy - I work and have two little kids! Truth? They were really lame excuses. The truth was that I was being lazy and very selfish. And, for the last 2 years, I haven't had a job. And my kids aren't little anymore. And if I would have searched harder, I would have found a good church where I live. Because I did. Two Sundays ago. I found a church that is really "me." Truth is that I have ROBBED my children of great experiences and knowledge and friends. I have robbed them of time with God. That is a devastating realization.

As a child, I spent every Sunday morning and many Sunday evenings in church.  I learned all the books of the Bible and all the important stories of Job and Moses and Daniel and Jesus. I went to Sunday School and VBS and youth group and grew up to be a Sunday School teacher and Life Group Leader. My parents did it right: they gave me a deep, strong foundation of faith. They showed me sacrifice and generosity and hospitality through their own involvement in church. And I have failed to do that for my kids. How sad!

Recently, I found myself stuck in the middle muck of life, feeling DESPERATE, alone, and sad. I had no idea what to do with myself.  I am 36, my two children are both school-aged. I have a BA in literature, 3 years of high school teaching experience, many years of administrative office experience, and have started an interior design business....which has proven so far to be a non-profit business. But we need a profit. We really, REALLY need some profit. And, after searching for months, I haven't been able to find a job that fit our family or our financial needs. So, there I was at home, alone for hours a day, searching for a job, and not getting any responses. Feeling like a FAILURE.

Then, I got a phone call from my MOM. The one who drug me to church every Sunday. And didn't let me watch Bewitched or let me listen to "secular" music. The one who drives me crazy with her Facebook posts because she clogs up my news feed with shared links about anything Christian or right-winged but uses auto-correct and doesn't proof-read her posts, and often sounds like a drunk republican Jesus-freak. That MOM, who is still very involved in her church and keeps so busy that calling me is actually kind of a rare event. So, that MOM called and listened to me blubber, and then she offered to pray with me, which I still, for some reason, find really awkward. But I agreed. And she prayed for me. And the next Sunday, I got up and went to church for the first time in a looooooooooooong time. And for the first time in a long time I felt better. I felt HOPEFUL.

Ever since, I have been setting aside time everyday for the GOD part of me. To get started, I picked up a devotional that MOM gave me, turned to the correct day, and read the related scripture verses. And kept reading. And the more I read, the more I realize how much I have missed the GOD part of me. The more I read, I realize that what happened to me, somewhere in the middle of life, was that I stopped trusting in God. And without that trust, I was lost.

Here's the thing. In the last 2 weeks, nothing about my circumstance has changed. We didn't win the lottery. I still have no paying clients, and I don't have a job, despite many applications. But I have FAITH and HOPE, and I am trying to BE and SHOW LOVE to my children and to anyone else I have contact with. And sometimes I fail, but that's OK because I am trusting God to show me the way. Right now I am just enjoying the time I have for the GOD part of me. And in a couple of weeks, I get to go see THAT MOM.

God Bless,

The One in the Middle