Deconstructing the Doofus Dad: A Dedication and Determination

This post is dedicated to my babies' daddy, aka my husband, Daniel.

The Doofus Dad.

You know this guy, right? The one who can't find his car keys or the Dunkin coffee or cook or clean or diaper children properly? The man who's wife is always giving him that "you're a moron" look as if he never does anything correctly?

Over the years, I bet you've seen a bunch of men like this. I know I have. . . on TELEVISION. But not so much in the real world.

A few years ago, my husband started making fun of these Doofus Dad commercials, and I started noticing a-not-so-nice trend. In way too many commercials and on family sit coms, the men are portrayed as idiots who are out of touch or just plain incompetent.  I know they bother Daniel. And the commercials really started bothering me too. And they should.

The Doofus Dad, who emerged on screens across America about 20 something years ago, can't be trusted to do anything right. Even in his own domain - the tool box - Tim Taylor (Tim Allen) just couldn't ever get the job done without making a mess of things. And Homer in the picture above? Lord help us all if Homer Simpson was ever in charge of actual real live children. Then, there's Al Bundy and Roseann's Dan, who seemed to forever be glued to their couch or chair. I know all TV dads can't be the Pa that Charles Ingalls was to Laura and Mary, but where did all the real good men (TV characters) go?

I know the cause, and I understand that it's mostly just about comedy. So, I'm not going to get into debating the nuances of sexist stereotypes and what women's liberation has done to the role and image of men in society. This is NOT that kind of post, and I DO NOT want to start that conversation.

My point is that this doofus dad image just doesn't ring true in real life. Not in my personal experience anyway. And, I do absolutely believe the media should have a certain level of responsibility to reflect and men and women more accurately and positively. The absolute truth is that both men and women are multi-faceted, multi-talented, different but equal HUMANS.

 And we are not all DIFFERENT in the SAME ways.

Based on the two fathers with whom I have the most experience - my own father and my children's father - the incompetent man, or doofus dad, persona doesn't apply at all. My dad, Bob, had a successful career, was (and still is) a great father to four girls, and he is pretty good at domestic duties as well. Even though he enjoys fishing and watching football and a cold beer after mowing the grass, he is also a great cook, who even cleans up the kitchen. My Bob Dad is a good listener, a good planner, a good Christian, a loving grandfather, and most importantly, he's a nice human. Yes, he has his flaws. He has "doofus" moments. He makes corny jokes. Sometimes he says the wrong thing or wrong word at the very wrong moment. Like that time he said orgasm instead of organism while talking to our pastor... 

Look, Bob Dad can even carry gifts and smile at the same time!

But I would never describe my father as incompetent or lazy like the guys in commercials. One summer he even took up the straps of my swimsuit for camp, because I had this funky short-waisted body that no swimsuit we could find would fit and my mom was out of town. So, he did what needed to be done and sewed. And he didn't screw it up either. Perhaps my father sets the standard pretty high, but isn't that what we should be selling? 

Then, there is Daniel, my husband and the father of my children. He might just be the most competent man (or woman) I have ever known. No, I'm not just saying that because he might read this. And believe me, I am not blind to his faults either. But honestly, he is incredibly resourceful and reliable. If he doesn't already know how to do something, he keeps researching until he learns how to do it. Whether it's a car problem or how to repair an old wooden door, he will figure it out. He thinks his constant researching drives me crazy, and maybe sometimes it does, but mostly I LOVE it.

I love that I can trust his opinion. I love that he is highly educated and widely read. I love that he loves the X Men movies and superheros, but one of his favorite movies is The English Patient. I love that he loves to travel and likes going to the theater and art museums, can quote Shakespeare, and always picks out the BEST books for me to read. But, he is also super analytical and technically savvy and can run electrical work and do plumbing and create pretty much whatever he sets his mind to in his workshop. I love that he is a manly, complex man. Far from the fumbling dad in the sit coms, his DIY projects always turn out, eventually, and they are done the right way, according to code and his own high standards.

When we both worked full-time  jobs, and I was pregnant, Daniel made dinner every night. When our daughter was an infant and inconsolable, it was his super swaddling techniques and embrace that calmed her. When he was in graduate school and was in-between jobs, he stayed home with the kids, looked for employment, and wrote for his classes, while also doing the laundry and cooking and other household duties. . .I could go on about his amazing work-ethic and self-discipline and muscular thighs, but you are probably getting nauseous already.

My point is not that he is perfect. He isn't. He doesn't always say the sweet, sentimental things that I want to hear, and he is pretty sensitive to criticism and very defiant. After all, he is just a man. But he is a great person. A great husband and father.  He is the man that I chose. I fell in love with his writing and stayed for his chocolate cake, and the rest is just icing.

Daniel and our son, Gabriel. 

Here is my point: Our men - husbands and fathers - bring a lot to the table. They may not parent the way we do or the way we want them to. They may not clean as well as women do. They have their issues. (Don't we ALL?) But they aren't all dumb, inept monkeys. What they give and the different methods in which they do their thing are IMPORTANT. And they should be appreciated and respected and cherished and not made into flat, doofus characters.

Maybe I just got really lucky with the men in my life. But most of the fathers I see, are smart, involved dads, who work hard at their jobs and spend time with their kids. They show up. They do the hard stuff. And, if we want the next generation to appreciate men and have high expectations for them, we should probably change the conversation they hear.

Thankfully, I think that advertisers have wizened up due to a few good men who stood up and said we've had enough. Watching the commercials during the Super Bowl this year, I noticed a complete departure from the funny beer commercials and doofus dad ads. But, I think in our own personal lives, we need to change the way we talk about men. Give our husbands more credit and less grief. Let our children hear how much we admire and appreciate our men. Let our boys see examples of men they can aspire to be. Let our girls see men who are worthy of loving.

And now I'll shut up and leave you with these links that prove we can show that men know how to dad.

Answer the Call

How to Dad

In Love With My Man,

Ashley

Crazy Confessions of an Introverted Hibernator

If you're looking for a bit of inspiration or wisdom here, keep looking. This is not that kind of blog post. I just feel like I need to get something out in the open. I might be just a lot crazy. I may be the only person on the planet who feels this way. But here it is: 


I like BIG warm BEDS and I cannot lie. 

And I like big blankets. If there is one item that I would need to bring with me to a deserted island, it would be my big down comforter. Or water. It's a toss up.

It is the beginning of February, and in case you haven't heard, we just had an actual, official blizzard last week. Which is basically just like a frozen hurricane. There was a lot of wind and a lot of snow. We were blessed with 5 foot drifts in our backyard. Yay! Sledding. We had to shovel a lot but were very fortunate and very thankful that we never lost power and we had no damage to our home. Thank God. We had an experience, a little life-snow adventure. Yay us!

Another deep secret about me: I like storms. Snow storms, rain storms, thunder storms. Love them all. Well, as long as I get to stay home all warm and cozy in my big warm bed until they are over. And as long as the snow plows shut the BEEP BEEP BEEP up! I even like snow. Freshly fallen snow on a sunny day is a beautiful sight. As long as I don't have to drive in it, or shovel it, or walk in it....Oh. But sadly, I do.

There is literally tons of snow surrounding us. It is piled everywhere. You can't see around any street corner from the mountains of displaced snow that were plowed into heaps of the now dirty, packed white stuff. Roads that used to be two-lanes have pretty much become single lanes of terror. Backing  out of  our driveway is like playing Russian roulette. Is there a car coming? Hard to tell. Will I get hit? There is a goood chance, but 's really, what's my option here? Walk. But where did all the sidewalks go? Under the banks of snow.

Here's the thing about me and winter weather - it transforms me into a serial hibernator. My spirit animal really must be a bear. I just want to curl into the fetal position (but in my big, warm bed and not in a cave) and sleep until spring. Problem is I get really hungry in the winter. Like HUNGRY. And I have to get up to make something to eat. Occasionally, I even need to feed the CHILDREN. But I don't WANT TO. Nor do I want to go anywhere or do anything, especially NOT the LAUNDRY. Goodness. We could store meat in our basement....but then it would smell like dirty socks...

So, I am in the middle of winter: cold, hungry, and sleepy. So, for the love of all humanity, can't you see? Don't you understand that hibernation is imperative? That is, hibernation with hot coffee and warm baked goods....and my big comfy bed.

BUT then today happened. Today we had another foot or so of snow dropped on us. Which is fine. OK. Whatever. More snow. Just another day to hibernate, right? Children home from school. Husband home from work. Mom doing random household chores, trying to be alright with this home invasion on a Monday.

You see, me and Monday have a thing going. And typically, we get to do our thing [QUIET is our thing] ALONE on Mondays. And I love this thing we have - this blissful quiet that follows the weekend of noises. But my children just don't get this. And now, it's 7:30 pm, and they ARE STILL TALKING TO ME. After talking to me and their dad and each other and their friends over the XBOX. All. Freaking. Day. Long.

And NOW. The superintendent of schools has the nerve to call and say there is NO SCHOOL tomorrow.  He dares to CANCEL school on Tuesday too. That's 4 days straight with my people all talking to me! And now I don't want to hibernate anymore. I want to throw my children to the wolves of the public school system and go out into the world and see amazing things like art and other adult people.

And at this very moment, I want my children in bed. I want hot shower, a tall White Russian, and some Downton Abbey. Alone. Yes. That might just be the thing that will retract my claws.

And maybe tomorrow this mama bear will not want to eat her young every time they speak to her of Minecraft and Kindles and Instagram. Maybe she will feed them and cuddle them and play games with them....maybe.

Good night, fellow hibernators. And good luck.

Ashley