Fighting to Find Peace

To be completely honest, I haven't been doing well emotionally for the past week.
On Good Friday I could barely function and spent most of the day in bed asleep.
The fun preparations I had planned to create a special atmosphere in my home for Easter were left
unfinished. Saturday, I was able to clean and do the minimum to meet my kids' expectations - filling
their baskets with candy and plastic eggs for them to hunt. 

But even on Sunday, despite the lovely service we watched online, I felt numb and disinterested in
creating a special day for my family. Of course, I didn't need to make the day special - God already
took care of that. Jesus is Risen no matter how I feel, but the joy of Easter eluded me.

At the beginning of the social distancing/quarantine/shelter at home, I was good. Although I was
disturbed and concerned by the spread of the virus and related deaths, I felt almost relieved for a
chance for life to slow down a bit. I had been so busy at work that our closing for a couple of weeks
seemed like a respite from the storm rather than the beginning of one. And for those two weeks I did
enjoy more time with my family and more time alone with God. I had time to clean and cook and just
be. I felt grateful for what we had rather than anxious about what we didn't.

But then 2 weeks became 4 and the world exploded with cases of the virus and thousands began dying.
I learned that I wouldn’t be able to work from home and my staff was furloughed.
And then I was furloughed too. 

In one month, (March 3rd to April 3) we went from 100,000 cases of the coronavirus to over 1 million.
And still, I thought I was handling it all pretty well. I'm not typically an anxious person - at least I
didn't think so. Meaning, in my head, I don't experience fearful thoughts or worry, and I place a lot
of emphasis on trusting God. Yet, I am being forced to accept that I am affected by anxiety whether or not my brain wants to admit it.

Betrayed by my body, I began experiencing some of the physical signs of anxiety, including chest pains and shortness of breath. This past week I felt claustrophobic and moody and unmotivated and frustrated. In my head, I desperately want to get things done in my house while I have the time, but my body felt sluggish and tired and weak. I felt overwhelmed by the uncertainty of things. When will my source of income return? Should I get another job? Will the unemployment check actually appear in my account?

Yesterday, I canceled an interview - is getting a paycheck worth putting myself and my family at risk when I don't desperately need it? Or is that just an excuse I used to avoid doing something that causes me anxiety? I readily admit that interviews cause me a ton of stress.

Once I named it, things started to change. Writing it down and admitting out loud that what I was feeling was anxiety and depression, I began to feel better. Once I recognized that I needed to lay it all at the feet of Jesus instead of hiding in my bed, I could get up and get on with life.

In my last post, 7 suggestions for surviving this storm - which I wrote not because I have all the answers, but because I was searching for ways to get through myself - my number one suggestion was "Focus on the Good." That suggestion didn't originate in my mind but from a scripture verse that always strikes my heart when I read it. Philippians 4:8 (NLT):

...Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Sounds good. Sounds peaceful. But honestly? It sounds really hard to find in our world. And I don't mean just because of the pandemic. Scrolling through Netflix or Hulu, I can't find much to watch that focuses on pure and lovely or excellent or worthy of praise. And we certainly aren't finding it in news reports about COVID-19. And, maybe binge watching all 6 seasons of an apocalyptic show filled with violence and strife didn't help with my increasing anxiety and depression...

But what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable can be found if we search for them and train our minds to look for things that are excellent. I find them in Jesus's words and in His sacrifice at the cross. I find them in God's creation. I find them in human acts of kindness.

But I often let myself get distracted. And as Ann Voskamp claims, "Get busy, get distracted, and you can forget God. Forget God, and you lose your mind and your peace. Forget God, and all you remember is anxiety. Anxiety can give you God-Alzheimer's. Forget the face of God, and you forget your own name is Beloved." (The Broken Way)

Right before the verse I mentioned above, Paul writes, "Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then, you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7 NLT)

Prayer + Asking God + Gratitude + Focusing on the Good = Peace. When I rely on God and am thankful and remember I am his Beloved, that is when anxiety melts away and joy can seep into this stressed-out soul.

Amen